BUCKET LIST
3. Join Five mile high club.
This has been on my Bucket List for awhile, but then its not so easy to tick off the list. Not only do you need a flight, you need a willing and able party traveling with you.
My plan was never to accost some complete stranger on a plane so as I mainly travel alone my opportunities have been limited.
My first flight not alone , I was 6 months pregnant, I could barely fit in the toilet let alone with anyone else so I didn’t even consider trying.
Move on a few years , I have the flight and a willing partner.
ATTEMPT 1
A trip to Bali, 3 hour flights there and back, ample time to join the club. The flight to Bali was packed , as were the toilets. Either everyone else had the same idea or had drunk too much before the flight because I sat for the entire flight watching and waiting for a window of opportunity and there wasn’t one, I didn’t even get to go to the toilet for its usual purpose, such was the constant stream of passengers, anyone would think everyone had Bali Belly before they had even got to Bali.
ATTEMPT 2
The flight home was at midnight, perfect as you would expect half the passengers to be asleep and the lights would be dimmed.
So there was a level of excitement and anticipation boarding the plane!
For some reason the plane was delayed and whilst the plane sat on the runway the tranquilizer I had taken pre flight combined with the charddys I had in the lounge took effect and I fell asleep. In fact I fell into such a deep sleep I only woke when we landed, I had slept the entire flight.
Another failed attempt.
ATTEMPT 3
A shorter flight and smaller plane but I had done some research. It was going to be all about timing and seating.
My partner had recently developed a fear of flying and as I have had a fear of flying all my life but have chalked up millions of air miles I thought I was the “ perfect” person to introduce him to flying my way.
My way, involves tranquilizers, a few charddys and hanging out in the Qantas lounge pre flight.
I thought we could kill two birds with one stone, I could help him with his fear of flying and he could help me with my bucket list.
I chose our seats, the very last row, next to the toilets at the back of the plane. Also near the galley, where the Air Stewards prepare the food trolley.
I knew that as soon as the seat belt sign went off they would set up the trolley then go to the front of the plane and start serving from there, working back, this was the time for action.
The day arrived, it was important to wear suitable clothes, we didn’t have time or space to be undoing a million buttons or trying to get off something skin tight.
We arrived early as planned for maximum time in the Qantas lounge.
Neither of us had lunch so I was starving and made full use of the buffet dining going back several times for more. He didn’t eat anything and as he had told me that on previous flights he had felt sick I figured the nerves were setting in so I gave him one of my tranquilizers.
Ive had years of experience with tranquilizers, I know exactly how much to have, with wine and not feel nervous but also not to be comatose. I didn’t know how many he would need, particularly as he was bigger than me and also he had been sitting on the one glass of red for a very longtime.
I gave him another.
Other than not eating and drinking very slowly, both completely out of character for him, he was in fine form, he had me in absolute stitches, I don’t think Ive laughed so much in my life or for that matter since.
We boarded our plane, which was not full. Im sure the Air Stewards must have known my plan because no one in their right mind would choose to sit on the back row. Besides the fact it was next to the toilet the seats do not recline a millimeter and are the most uncomfortable airplane seat Ive ever sat on.
I sat by the window, my favorite seat and he by the aisle.
The plane took off and to say I was excited was an understatement, but then I saw his seatbelt buckled so tight it must have been digging into his stomach. All feelings of lust flew out the window ( not literally) and all I felt was love and concern,
my plans of joining mile high club disappeared. I also realised Id been so excited planning it all I actually hasnt asked him if he did want to join the club.
I gave him my window seat and I gave him another tranquilizer ( by now I would have been comatose had I had same amount) and we just spent the next 40 minutes taking selfies and photos out of the window and then the plane landed.
Bucket list unticked, but it remains one of the funniest, happiest days of my life.
ATTEMPT 4
The flight home
We had joked on our stay about the flight up and how I had overdone handing out the tranquilizers rendering him incapable of joining any club let alone mile high club. So it was decided I wouldn’t ask him how he felt every two minutes and he would handle his own medication.
So again back in the Qantas lounge pre flight, not quite as flash as the previous but he had some wine as did I.
Thirty minutes out from boarding we got advised that our plane had had a bird strike on arrival and so the flight had been cancelled, we were rescheduled on another plane departing an hour later.
More wine and more chips later , we boarded a new plane, minus a bird stuck in the engine and took our seats at the back.
Alongside us and seated in front of us, were all the crew from the cancelled plane being flown home, we were literally surrounded by Air Stewards, not a chance of sneaking off to the toilets unnoticed!
We didn’t budge from our seats the entire flight.
So sadly another fail.
I haven’t given up hope. If he and I ever fly together again Id aim for a longer flight, ideally business class with the flat beds in the centre, forget messing around with toilets, food trolleys and pigeons stuck in engines. Even better with enough points, fly FIRST CLASS and throw in a shower together.
Stay tuned.
THE MINDFUL FLYER 